Everyone’s Peter Pan

Have you noticed there are no old people anymore? With all the fancy medical innovations and plastic surgery, 90 is the new 19. Aging is one disease the planet is fighting on a war footing. We won’t rest till the world is full of unlined faces, taut cheeks, full lips and Brazilian backsides. You can frown all you want, but no vertical little giveaway lines appear between your eyebrows. Facial muscles have stopped taking orders: a mourner at a funeral or the life of the party, both look the same.

When someone says ‘guess my age’, watch their face fall when you get it right. Social protocol demands a discount of 20 years at least. Words like geriatric, elderly, senior citizen are a no-no. ‘Old’ is the ultimate insult: it is what we call the uncle who knocks on our door at midnight to say the music’s too loud. No more bhajans and ashrams either – everyone is busy on dating apps. Motherhood is pushed from late teens to early 40s, outsourced to IVF and surrogates, eggs frozen. With the right hormonal treatment, men can carry a baby full term.

Every product is anti-aging, all procedures endless. Betty bought a bit of botox but the bit of botox was bitter, so she bought some better botox to make the bitter botox better. Once people boasted of exotic villas and aristocratic bloodlines, now it’s new knees, stents in hearts, state-of-the-art hip joints and imported vital organs. Millionaires are getting their bodies frozen so that when scientists learn to bring us alive, they will be back – boring everyone silly with ‘in my time…’ and dated gossip. You can now look like your favourite celeb – only for a short while though as celebs change their looks constantly. No Kardashian is the same two years in a row. Because of lip fillers actresses look like they are puckering up for a kiss even when being murdered in the film.

A future movement will implore us to age naturally. An exclusive membersonly nook where you can age organically, in step with time. Everyone there will be wrinkled, with crow’s feet and stretch marks. There will be historical museums with vintage photos of a grey-haired, toothless, shuffling generation on display. Meanwhile, Mick still moves like Jagger, Murdoch just got engaged at 92 – and then there are those who forgot why they opened the fridge.

END OF ARTICLE